Check Your Triathlon Horoscope – Triathlon

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There is very strong evidence that astrology is at least 99% effective at predicting the future and providing clear decisions that will lead to the best possible outcomes. At least that’s what I’ve seen online.

It’s time to incorporate this scientifically proven field of study into the world of triathlon. Luckily I got my PhD (Professional Horoscope Distributor) from retrograde Mercury University (online campus), so I feel qualified to offer triathletes interested in Tristrology totally real and not fictional Fortune, or Astrolothon (title to be determined).

your triathlon horoscope


Your fiercest fighters will appear on game day. You don’t just say “on your left” when you pass other racers.You shout with such authority that water bottles pop from every cage on every bike you pass by, in slow motion to Katy Perry’s tune fireworks. Nothing can stop you, except the dreaded idiot. Don’t be so impulsive that you forget about nutrition. But if you succeed, woe to those who challenge you to sprint!

train: Try or give up. If you don’t play, you lose!
romantic: From the top of the podium, it is easier to arouse possible love interest.


In the next game, your generosity could destroy you. When you pass other racers who need mechanical help, extra nutrition, or badly in need of a salt label, you’re happy to take it, but not for your own. But don’t worry. The planets foresaw that a half-eaten bag would be left in a potty after six miles. These will provide much-needed energy to reach the finish line. Unfortunately, you’ll be hunched over to the toilet for the rest of the night.

train: Leading group rides for newbies.
romantic: A mysterious admirer is there to hold your hair as you hug the toilet.


You assure yourself that you’ll be following a strict nutritional strategy leading up to race day, but that’s before you know there will be Buffalo Wild Wings near the race fair. You think to yourself, some Blazin’ Hot Wings won’t hurt (yes, they will), and all the training you’ve done so far will make up for it (no, it won’t).

train: Commit to a super-detailed, no-fail training plan, then stick to it only 40% of the time.
romantic: You need to date an Aries so they can tell you to stick to your training plan.


Race morning water temperatures will be between 75.9°F and 76.2°F. A star map cannot provide more precision than this. Whether the competition is wetsuit legal remains uncertain. For this reason, your best bet is to keep checking the water temperature every day, ask people on social media if they’ve “heard anything new” and keep following it until you hear the official word on game morning. Yes, this is what the universe is pissing you off, Janice.

train: Check the weather forecast every 30 minutes to see if there are any changes.
romantic: Rest assured, if you get into trouble swimming, an attractive lifeguard will come to your rescue in no time.


You can trust your next fart, but not the next one.

train: Tooms
romantic: When you both reach for the same potty door, your hand meets someone special.


“Training is stupid. I hate speed training! I just don’t have time for this. Why do I keep punishing myself like this?” These are the things that go through your mind as you casually sign up for the next twelve races of the season flashed thoughts. You’ll complain about every moment of it along the way, until you cross the finish line. At that point, you’ll be signing up for next year’s race right away before you have a chance to drink your muscle milk.

train: whimper and whine every second, then extol the virtues of the triathlon lifestyle to everyone you meet.
romantic: You’re about to start a secret romance with someone who tolerates you going into detail about your gastrointestinal issues.


Your hours of volunteering at local races are finally paying off. You will qualify for the competition and be able to compete with the people you have selflessly helped over a long period of time. Of course, this will give you the opportunity to help your racers in new and creative ways. You will be a mobile cheerleader throughout the event. You’ll be the first to start the race and the last to finish, so you have the opportunity to inspire and motivate everyone. This includes referees penalizing you for interfering because you stopped at an aid station to try and help volunteers distribute nutrients to other racers.

train: You just want to be there to support your fellow racers. Add some high-speed repetitions this week – 5×30 high fives, then 10×25 “You got it!”
romantic: You’ll spend 30 minutes with your significant other passively discussing which restaurant to go to after the game, and ultimately choose In ‘N Out again.


No, your spouse won’t let you buy that new bike. Yes, they know it’s on sale. Yes, they know it can cut your ride time by 30 seconds. Yes, they know it makes you look cooler. Yes, they still think your kid’s college tuition is more important than a place or two in your age group. But hold on. The 15th time you ask is probably when they say yes.

train: Go to the bike shop and drool over the new bike. Forget about training on the same great bike you already own.
romantic: Sleep on the couch after arguing with your spouse about the importance of a new bike for your child’s education.


You will have that race dream again. You know, you find yourself lost during your run. Only this time the run route is through a mall and you can’t seem to figure out why you’re the only racer. Everyone is staring at you. And you are naked. Don’t worry, this is not a sign of what’s to come. You’ll most likely just need to distract yourself with three rounds of shopping.

train: Visualize your ideal match in your morning meditation — and make sure you visualize yourself in clothes.
romantic: A long-lost love suddenly appeared outside Orange Julius. They will be wearing Ironman Terminator hoodies.


This is your season to be a trendsetter. Bring back some old-fashioned triathlon fashion. Oversized Oakleys, super colorful running shorts, leg warmers and a mullet for resistance pieces. It may seem counterintuitive, but it will be the transformation to take your triathlon performance to an astonishing new level. Leaderboard, here you come! Ryf, Frodeno, Jackson, Sanders and all your full tubular brilliance will be on the podium!

train: Turn up Bon Jovi to look as cool as possible. Fate will do the rest.
romantic: I mean, come on! Leg warmers and mullets. Need I say more?


You haven’t decided what to wear to the next game. The choice depends on a) a simple Speedo, or b) a full gorilla suit with a tutu. Each is equally appealing, but with a compromise. Wear a Speedo for swimming, a gorilla suit for a bike, and a tutu for a run. You may not win the game, but when it does you will get the most attention. After all, that’s the main goal, right?

train: Ice bath and thermal training. Swimming in a Speedo will be cold, but it will be hot in a gorilla suit!
romantic: True love will pass you by because you can’t see them through the gorilla mask.


You are a Pisces. You are a natural fish. Because of this, swimming will be your strong legs (or fins, to be more precise). But be careful when biking and running because you may start to feel like a fish out of water. How do you solve this problem? Of course stay hydrated! You’ll want to carry some Gatorade with you, or maybe some blue sugar. Maybe bring some extra, just for the halibut. But don’t forget to throw the trash at the rescue station or you may have to linger in the punishment tent for a while. Also, don’t forget to use a good barracuda mechanic for your shark cod. You can rely on them to ride the tuna perfectly before the race…I’d go out to sea myself.

train: Swimming… uh.
romantic: If you neglect your significant other, your love life could be in trouble.

related: What kind of triathlon finisher are you?

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